"Pfsllllllppppppppp!"

800 to 900 calories a day. I won’t lie to you, it isn’t easy that first day. You can do pre-mixed liquid or “make your own” shakes. I chose pre-mixed. They come in containers that look like juice boxes you would send to school with a kindergartner. 8 ounces of balanced nutrition. I kid you not, I could drink them in one suck. The diet, for me, worked like this…one in the morning, one at lunch, a measured meal at dinner, and one more shake at 9PM. That’s it.

My first class was a Thursday night, so the diet really started on that Friday morning. July 18th, 2008. New diet, new day. Sounds great. I woke up that morning and hit the scale first thing. 282 lbs. Hey, I already lost 4 lbs and I was not even officially dieting yet! Not true. You will weigh the least the first thing in the morning. Except for very rare occasions when you are exercising in the evenings, this will hold true all the time. If you get up and weigh more than you did when you went to bed, check the bed for chicken bones and cake crumbs. You are sleep walking. I hopped on the scale on day one and it is a ritual I continue to do every day. People will tell you not to weigh daily because your weight will fluctuate and it can be depressing. I will tell you that you need it every day. It is a barometer. Will it fluctuate? Yes. If you are expecting fluctuation and it (gasp!) fluctuates, will you be forever psychologically marred? No. You want depressing? How about dieting for a week and finding out that after seven days you have lost half a pound? How about finding out you gained? You weigh yourself every day…that is MY rule of success.

Here is what weighing in every day did for me. I should really say DOES for me and use present tense. Except for vacations when a scale is not available, I have weighed myself every morning since that day. But starting day one, I would get up, look at the number and one of two things happened.

1) I had dropped a little: I was psyched…my day was better because I had positive reinforcement. -OR-

2) I hadn’t dropped any or went up a little: My day was spent doing all the things I had to do to lose the next day.

Not only did I weigh in every day, I marked it on a calendar on the door. Having that weight check every morning, at the very least, curbs any ideas you might have about cheating. It also, after time has passed, reminds you of how much you have lost. This diet weigh-in isn’t like Christmas morning. You don’t get up the day of class after seven days of diet and get on the scale for the first time in a week and hope a nice present is under the tree. When you skip days on the scale, you delude yourself into thinking "I'm doing OK." If you were really doing OK and were interested in not avoiding reality, you would jump on the scale. So, by Dick's Rules, you get on that scale every single day and take responsibility for making sure you reach your goals.

So it's DAY ONE. Downstairs I ran and took the shake from the refrigerator and ‘pfsllllllppppppppp’ it was done. I had cut coffee out of the diet. I had the option to have it, but I didn’t want to complicate things. So my breakfast was over. How anti-climactic.

Around lunch I was really hungry. I have a job where I have a lot of meetings and they occur most days of the week. That Friday was one of those days. I kind of forgot that I was hungry but by lunch I felt like Fred Flintstone looking for a Bronto Burger. "Oh yeah...I am on the diet...and lunch is in the refrigerator. Pfsllllllppppppppp. Wow. Now I have 59 minutes to kill." You notice real fast on this diet that, around the times when you used to eat, you have a LOT of extra time you never used to have.

By about 2PM I started to get a headache. This isn't uncommon when you go from the lifestyle of Willy Wonka to the low carb lifestyle of Jack LaLanne. It happens. The good news is, unless you are having a stroke, the headache won't kill you. Just tough it out. It's called a diet. It wasn't easy getting as big as the Hindenburg. You spent a lot of time accumulating a significant amount of mass. So, it's not going to be easy going in the other direction, in fact, expect it to be harder. What hurts the turkey more, eating all the feed to become huge or getting trimmed on Thanksgiving?

So I left work thinking about dinner. Now, you have to realize something about this dinner. It is not the dinner you are used to. It is heavy on the vegetables and salad, 3 servings equalling about 1/2 cup each serving. You get 6-7 oz. of very lean meat or fish. You get one piece of fruit. It is not that much. But after 16 heaping ounces of diet shake since 7AM, it looks and tastes mighty satisfying. Take small bites, chew it a lot, get as much satisfaction as you can out of it...you won't get another one until tomorrow night.

I should say this about myself. I am a creature of habit. This worked greatly to my advantage on this diet. One of the things that really bothers people on this diet is the lack of variety. I could, in all seriousness, eat the same 3 meals every day for weeks on end. In fact, I do right now. My breakfast, lunch and evening snack today (Monday thru Friday) are almost the same exact thing every day. So I took the same approach to the diet dinner meal. I wanted easy. I didn't want to even think about it. My evening meal was one can of spinach (I actually had this tonight!), one can of tuna mixed in the spinach, and an apple. To spice things up, I put tobasco sauce in the spinach/tuna mix. I love hot stuff and tobasco has zero calories. One item of note here...I was NOT measuring my meat at that time. When I looked at the can of tuna, I misread the amount of tuna because of the servings. Three weeks later I would find out that I undercut myself by 1.5 ounces of meat every night. Measure your food to make sure you are getting the right amount.

I went out for my first bit of exercise that night. I walked 2.6 miles. It took 45 minutes. I wasn't setting any records here, but I did sweat on that hot July night. Exercise is critical. It is so critical that I am giving it it's own blog entry.

When I was done I took my shower and went to watch a little TV. At 9PM, I had my snack. A snack! Wow. What diet includes snacks? This is luxury.

"Pfsllllllppppppppp."

Day one was over.

Next: YES you have to exercise.

Selfishly Selfless

I go through life with a different perspective (I think) than most. I take a lot of things in this life seriously. I view those things, however, with a sense of humor that reflects society’s response to those same things. I do this because I have grown to realize that I live in this grand fishbowl with about 6 billion people and my view has about as much a shot at carrying weight as I do of winning the Powerball lottery. So in my small mind, levity is very important. I always write this blog with that in consideration. That said, today is not one of those days.

While the act of going on a diet is funny, and being on the diet is a laugh, and watching others on THEIR diets can be hysterical, my reasons for going on the diet are not funny at all. I took this diet with the utmost seriousness. The conditions that I experienced, leading up to my decision to go on this diet, were conditions that way too many people experience every day. They are conditions that, if ignored, can end your life.

Consider the fatal diseases that obesity (and while I was two tiny classification points from that term, I still put myself in that class) can cause. Congestive Heart Failure. Ever heard a real big person wheezing as they type on a keyboard? It’s not really an activity one would call exercise…so that person is dying. Enlarged Heart, from pushing the massive body around. Pulmonary Embolism, a blockage that can be caused by clot, or fat, or clumped cells and fluid. The circulatory instability can cause death. GERD, more commonly known as Acid Reflux, when untreated, can cause esophageal cancer. You get GERD (many people) from a gut that hangs so heavy in front of you that it actually bends your esophagus enough to break the natural seal between it and your stomach. When that happens, stomach acid backs into your esophagus and over time, can cause cancer. Fatty Liver Disease. Chronic Renal Failure. Skin Infections such as Carbuncles and Cellulitus. Stroke. Many types of Sleep Apnea. Get the picture? These are just the ones that can kill you. There are many others that just make you feel like crap. All the time.

So what did I have? Let’s see. GERD. Back issues with two cervical areas. Sinus issues (which happen when your immune system is overloaded). Edema (swelling that could lead to Lymph edema). Varicose veins. Yes, I know. It’s a real pretty picture. Not to even mention the way I could sweat through clothes just from a stroll around the neighborhood.

Let’s talk about some other items. Ever broken furniture? I have. Lots of it. Everything from wooden dining room chairs to outdoor lounges. Ever had a resin chair just shatter from under you? I mean so many pieces you need a broom to pick it all up? Ever been to a theme park where you couldn't fit on the ride? I have a funny story about that, but not today. Ever been to an old stadium like Fenway Park in Boston? It was made in the early 1900’s when people were not as big on eating for ‘entertainment’ as they are today. Try squeezing your ass in between the metal handles of a circa 1900 ballpark seat. Good luck. Is the picture a little more clear now?

Some have a good sense of humor about this. I did. I can laugh at myself and my shortcomings. I especially could when it was about my weight. I think it was because I always had in the back of my mind that I could lose it if I wanted to. I have been big most of my life but have lost a large amount of weight enough times to feel like it was a matter I could control. 95% of all overweight and super-overweight, do not have that feeling of confidence and control. That said, it is my opinion that when you make the decision to do something about your weight and for whatever reason drove it, that you should go at it with the seriousness that it merits. Something pushed you to that point. Don’t forget what it was.

I have a 13 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. I hope someday to be there to walk her down the aisle. I want to be able to go sailing and hiking alone with my son and maybe even share a beer (when he is old enough) and laughs with him. I want to be able to play with my grandchildren someday with the same enjoyment that I played with my own two kids because even though they are still young, I miss that time more than I can say. The diseases that go with obesity are fatal. They are in my way. They are in yours.

My very first class for the Miriam Hospital Weight Management Program was shocking. The subject of the meeting was how to live your life around people who just “have to feed you and won’t take no for an answer.” Seriously. How to exist around people who make foods “just for you” and think you should “just try some.” I listened to this being discussed by several women until I chimed in. I felt funny because this was my first class. I had lost zero pounds at this point and was the new person. But I jumped right in.

“I just need to clarify what I am hearing. Are you saying that you tell people you don’t want the food? You tell them that you are on a diet. And they still stick it in your face?” I said confusedly.

“Yes”, she said.

The behavior specialist said, “There are nice proper ways to handle this situation.”

I jumped in, “why?”

“Why what?” she said.

“Why be nice?” I responded. “Look, take a good look around this room. This isn't a game. I have listened to many of you today. You are here to remedy a situation that is jeopardizing your health and taking away quality years of your life. This is a hard thing for all of you. I haven’t lost weight yet on this diet but I have dieted successfully before. When someone asks me if I want food, the first time, I am polite in declining. When those offers continue and become taunts, being nice goes right out the window. I have no obligation to be nice anymore. The second time, they will get an appropriate glare from me. The third time, my response will be unforgettable for them and I guarantee it won’t happen again. You are doing something that will be positive for you and everyone else around you…and you better start being selfish about it. If you don’t, this diet is going to be long, it will hurt, and it may not be successful.”

The meeting ended shortly thereafter. I don’t know if any of them got my message. I know this though…I went into that diet to win. I went into it to be healthy and more importantly, to stay that way for the first time in my life. I hoped everyone understood. The months to come would tell me that some did understand but, unfortunately, many didn’t. I hope, if you are reading this, that you do.

More to come.

Blogger's Note: The photo above was taken by a very talented photographer friend of ours, Judith Laliberte.

Next: I am supposed to drink this stuff?

The Diet Contest...shhhhhh!

The diet class taught me one thing. Ok, it taught me many things...but one thing stands out. Men and women are very different. I'm practically a genius, I know. I don't know why that guy wrote the hideous book, 'Men are from Mars, Women are...blah, blah, blah.' He could have saved a lot of time by attending a diet class.

Men are, by nature, competitive animals. We compete at everything. We compete at stupid things. You name it, we will make a contest for it. Any and all sports, a contest. How fast you can get somewhere driving, a contest. Drinking games? Seriously, do you think that was created by a woman? Who can barbecue the best? Spit the furthest? Burp the loudest? Real men care about these things.

Women are social animals. It started with tea parties...and just went downhill from there. Dress pretty, play nice, sugar and spice and all that crap. Oh, in the last ten to fifteen years the landscape has changed a little. But let's face it, if you are a woman, competing like a guy, 98 times out of 100, you will be treated like a guy. That may get you props...but it won't get you many dates. So the die has been cast.

I will say this, women who like to compete with men are not in the Diet Class. They don't drown their sorrows with Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia...they go kill some guy friend in racquetball and burn about 1200 calories doing it. They don't end up fat and they don't ever feel like victims of a 'weight-issue.' The women in the diet class were all nice women. I will say honestly though that most of them did not seem as committed to the diet as the men were. The men in diet class still had that guy-ish competitive fire. It was there. Buried and smoldering...but you had to be a guy to recognize it. And so it came to be, that that was how I would figure out the golden rule in diet class. A rule that had been profferred by the majority of that class, the women. DON'T EVER, EVER, EVEN UNDER DURESS, MENTION THE AMOUNT YOU LOST. What a weird rule! It wasn't stated...but it existed as sure as the oxygen in that room. You couldn't see it...but you knew it was there.

The class started with the Behavior Specialist (let's call her...Sharon) telling everyone that we start the class with a weekly "check in." The "check in" was the time when you introduce yourself and tell everyone how your week went. I am a data guy. I work with data and facts and revenue and expenses all day long. I have to describe business happenings in a complete, accurate, concise, EFFICIENT manner. That said, I just say it like it is. So I listened to the first woman.

"Hi, my name is Joan. I had...I guess...a so so week. I did all right. I didn't do as well as I wanted but I did lose some. So long as you lose something, you are going in the right direction, right?"

How much did you lose??? (I think in italics.)

"Hi, I'm Janie and I didn't do well at all this week. I will try harder next week."

How much did you lose??? or gain???

"Hi, I'm Mary and I went on a work thing last week and came back and had to go to a wedding. I have vowed that this week I am going to recommit myself to the diet."

Recommit? RE-commit?? As in 'start over?' Do you mean to tell me that people are on this diet and cheating? It costs $800 plus the co-pays and food! This is nuts.

"Hi, I'm Ray (my buddy). I did real well this week, I am happy and I reached a personal milestone."

"What was it?", I asked.

"I just did real well.", he said, anxious for the discussion to move on.

"How much did you lose?", I whispered.

"We don't talk about that.", he said tensely. His tight smile was betrayed by his eyes, nervously darting around the room.

Most of the room gave him those knowing nods. You know, the ones they use at private clubs when you self-police. The last time I saw something like this was in East Germany before the Berlin Wall was torn down. The oppressed folk in that lovely town had the same look on their faces. I sat there thinking, "I will tell you this, I am going to say how great I am doing." When I go on a diet, and I had been on a few, I don't mess around. I commit, I focus, I deliver. I can't KEEP the weight off, but dammit, I can hit my goal. And when I am in that mode...EVERYONE knows what I am doing. I tell everyone...because I expect...FULLY...to succeed. So if they thought I was going to adhere to the social dictum of the class, they had another thing coming. They were in my schoolyard now...they would have to learn to deal with me.

"Hi, my name is Dick and this is my first week. I haven't lost one pound yet but I just got my shakes and can't wait to get this thing started. My goal is 85 lbs and I fully expect to hit it in a very short time. I have been waiting 6 weeks to get into this program and I am ready to rock it."

Sharon just gave me an apologetic nod. "Well that's very...um...encouraging. Nice to have a new face in the group."

Nervous tension. Concerned glares. Biting lips. Pursed smiles. But wry looks from the guys. Knowing glances between the men. "He's here isn't he? It's him. He's the one."

I was there to free them from their emasculated forms. I was going to bring the heat to the kitchen. I was about to make this a miserable hell for the ones who had made the unspoken rules.

Welcome to the Diet Contest.

Next: The most selfishly unselfish thing you will ever do.

My First Weigh-In and Class

Finally, after all the weeks of waiting, all the evaluations, and all the parties I had with food because I knew the diet was coming, the day had arrived. I would weigh-in, buy my prepared food, and join my 'modified-fast' group. The group wasn't filled with people who were all starting tonight. It was a revolving group. It was an evolving group. A group of people, some of whom had been there for what seemed like an eternity, and those who had just blasted in and lost the weight and were ready to leave. So I was joining a program...already in progress.

I had been the new kid all my life. This would be no different. My first experience being the new kid was in 6th grade. My catholic school of 5 years had to close and it was merged with a catholic school across town. They took our entire school and stuffed us together with a brand new set of kids. For good measure, they threw all of us in a hat and shook out the names (you would have thought this actually happened) and dropped us in one of two classes. So some of your old friends were with you, some were not. They put me in a seat right behind the girl who is today my wife. The finger of fate had pointed me out and stuck us together. For me, 6th grade would be the first in a long line of changes that would forever have me branded "the new kid."

"Ok class, we are all going to introduce ourselves and I want everyone to tell the class something about yourself." Let's start here. "Hi, I'm Tommy...blah, blah, blah" "Hi, I'm Liz..." "Hi, I'm Dick" Laughter. "What?", the teacher said. I was waiting for this, it always happened. "Dick...that's right, Dick...oldest son of two socially insensitive parents." Yeah baby, it was 1973 and the name Dick was just starting its entree into the English language with a brand new meaning. The dawn of a new era for me, like the age of Aquarius. The last year or two hadn't been easy. 6th grade is when you start to get wise to the social stuff. I had wished at times I could change the stupid name (and later I actually would for 4 years). I was named after my father, who was named after HIS father, who was named after HIS father. I was 4th in a long line of Dicks. The only one who really benefited from this was my younger brother, John, 11 months my junior. Let's face it, brothers don't really get along that well growing up and are always looking for an edge on each other. And if you are a younger brother in 1973 and your older brother is named Dick...well, face it, you just won the brass ring in the carousel of life. So with the blessing of a name like that, you learn how to be the new kid. If you can't laugh at yourself...well, you will be the only one not laughing, so you better just join in.

Before I could join the class, I had to weigh in and get my blood pressure taken. This was a big deal that day. This was the baseline against which all future progress would be measured. This was the data I was here to actually change. I weighed in at 286lbs and my blood pressure was 135 over...something. I never remember the bottom number, even though someone told me once it was the more important of the two. After you weigh in, you stand in line to get your food. They have one desk in one room and a palate of pre-mixed Optifast Shakes in cases. They also have the powdered mix, meal bars and soup (more on these two later). For privacy reasons (??) they make you stand behind a line outside the door and down the hallway a bit. This is to give the weight patients privacy as they buy their items. They then give you your shakes (and we all get the same amount of them because the diet is measured) and they give them to you in big transparent plastic bags. And then you leave and you walk BY the people in the corridor...who silently pretend NOT to see that you have exactly what THEY are about to purchase in your bag. The secrecy was hysterical. Like some perverted "don't ask, don't tell" policy. It would have been awesome if someone would have walked out with their see-through bag and half a bird from KFC with a canister of those big fluffy potatoes on the side (smothered in gravy, of course!).

So now, I finally got the chance to go to my class! I carried in my top secret see-through bag and pretended not to notice the OTHER see-through bags. Hey this was great! There was Ray, my buddy from work who lost all the weight! "How you doin' Ray?", I said excitedly.

"Great, lost about 70 lbs, tonight is my last night!"

The only guy that I knew in the class and he was ready to leave. He was going to the 'maintenance program" where you go when the diet goal is reached. They focus more on learning how to eat and keeping the weight off.

The meeting was run by a behavioral specialist and she had us all introduce ourselves. I have seen this movie before. "Hi, I'm Dick..." Silence. Wow. I guess people actually grow up and out of the whole "his name is Dick, ha ha" thing. It felt like Weight Watchers a little bit without the food talk all the time and, of course, no one ran out the door screaming. It also was roughly the same ratio of men to women as Weight Watchers...about 3 men to about 17 women. I didn't get it. Men don't care if they are fat or not? Women feel forced to bend to the societal underpinnings of needing to be thin to be beautiful? Whatever it was, none of these people seemed engaged. It's like they were dragged here. It bothered me. Because I was totally psych'ed up to be there. Why were they so quiet and down? Maybe because you have to pay a lot to be here and it has depressed them. Maybe they were starving...those little shakes were killng them. Maybe though, it's because they were somewhat unexcitable and boring? Perhaps...you be the judge. I just tell the stories.

Next: Is this a diet contest??