The Tipping Point

I was looking out this little window watching the highway pass by in the opposite direction. A lot of things went through my mind, occasionally distracted by the siren that kept blaring over and over. "Do you think you have enough life insurance?" "Will this keep me from being able to do my job?" "I wonder if heart surgery will hurt much?" It was almost surreal. I didn't really have a pain in my chest, just discomfort. The real pain in the ass was the dizziness I had felt and the low blood pressure that was causing it. This was going to be a fairly bad day.

They checked me in the hospital for heart issues. They ran my blood gasses looking for signs of a heart attack...nothing. They put me on the EKG monitor...nothing. They gave me intravenous fluids. I filled a urine container. Nothing. Are you kidding me? It HAS to be something.

As the little doctor with the Island accent entered my curtained corner of the ER, he said "do you know what is wrong with you?"

"No, what?", I responded hopefully.

"You are fat."

"Seriously, eight years of grad school and that's the best you can come up with?"

I looked in the mirror. Not exactly the guy that married my wife 20 years ago. 285 lbs and it looked like I was carrying most of it in the form of a child under my man-boobs.

They sent me for a treadmill test to stress my heart. They put dye in me to see if there were clots or clogs. You guessed it...nothing. My regular physician sent me for some tests. The results? Back issues causing shooting nerve pain and acid reflux. These things can cause heart attack symptoms. Awesome. I can breathe again, it's not my heart.

Now you would think that that would have done it right? "Where's the phone number to Jenny Craig?" "Maybe that diet that Dan Marino is on where they ship the food right to your house...yeah that'll do it." Nope. I went right back to the same old habits. The result? I actually took one more ambulance ride...thought it was finally the heart. It wasn't. Surprise! Acid reflux had me sleeping on my side. That was not too tough since my huge beer belly kept me from lying on my stomach anyway. Allergies all of the sudden. Legs swollen below the knees. Back pain.

That should have really got me to do something, right?

Nope.

So there I was, May 2008. The electric breaker switch in the kitchen at the sink had popped and I had to actually replace the entire outlet...it wouldn't reset. So I go out and get the hardware and I am going to install it. Being the natural talent with home fix-it projects that I am, I killed all the power in the house. It was a pretty hot day in the low 80's. If you have ever tried to do this, you know exactly how irritating this can be. It's hard enough getting all the wires to connect right and get the unit back in the wall. The whole time you worry that you will set your house on fire due to your stupidity. But there is an added element of difficulty here...the outlet is under the cupboard, wedged into a tiled wall, and has 4 wires (not 2 like the normal ones). Swell.

So now I am bent and turning to angle myself under the cupboard. I am trying to get the wires straight. I finally accomplished that feat and all I have to do is get the screws to line up and screw it in. Once, twice, three times. I ask the kids to go outside and play because I can't curse in front of them and I am about to become "R" rated. Finally, as I am positioned in the most contorted way, the screw catches, but not smooth. So I am turning this thing and muscling it when a drop of sweat falls from my nose to the counter top. Then another. Then another. A puddle is forming.

That was it. That's right...that was it. The moment. I couldn't believe it. I was sweating while turning a screw. TURNING A SCREW. That was the moment that would put me over the edge and have me vow to make a change that I am still hoping will last the rest of my life.

I am going to take you all on a journey. One that took me from the before picture above to the person I am today.

I hope to inspire you. I hope to entertain you. I hope to educate you.

But I will not, absolutely WILL NOT, baby you about weight loss.

I have found that this goal of finally finding the way to maintain my health and happiness is the most selfish AND self-less thing I have ever done. We start tomorrow.

If you are reading this because you have had the epiphany that you need to lose weight and have some time today, get off your ass and go for a walk. You can make this the first day of the rest of your life.

Next: Finding the Diet!