Orientation aka Futurestate

"Good Morning, Miriam Hospital Weight Management Clinic. How may I help you?"

If ever there was a loaded question. How may you help me? If you could SEE me, you wouldn't even ask. "Yes, a friend of mine referred me to your program...I guess you do some kind of orientation...I would like to get in there as soon as I can."

"Ok...the next orientation is in three weeks, do you want me to schedule that one for you?", she said chipperly.

ASAP, kept running through my mind. This was obviously not a sales organization. These guys are not really understanding the whole 'get them while they're hot' concept. "Uh, I was really hoping for something sooner."

"Sorry, there are a lot of people trying to get into this program and there is a big wait."

McDonald's is going to go out of business, I thought. "Fine, let's make the appointment please, thanks."

I don't know about you but when I make up my mind to do something, I really feel the need to do it right now. Not tomorrow. Not three weeks from now...RIGHT NOW. So I waited. I watched Ray in the cafeteria walking around in his new slim body. I can do this just like him. Just not right now, apparently. I was really anxious, this damn program better be good.

The day finally arrived sometime in June and I went after work. The directions were terrible and I ended up in the wrong building. By the time I found the right one, I was 5 minutes late. I knew there was a group of people already in the room and there is nothing I hate more than being the 'interrupter.' I signed in at the desk and went down the hall to the room. The door was closed and I could hear someone talking inside...great, "hey everyone, stop what you are doing! Look at me, I'm fat and need help!"

As I opened the door and walked in, I entered from the front of the room. About 25 people were facing me, and every single one of them heard a loud gasp escape from my mouth. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Whoever set this room up had placed the chairs touching each other side by side. NORMAL chairs mind you for NORMAL sized asses. It had been a pretty hot day and many were in shorts and short sleeve shirts. Here I was, standing there staring at an ocean of flesh. These people were wedged in and flowing all over each other. When one moved, they all moved, like one big wave. Before you think I sound awful cruel, I was about to join the group and become the next wave in the ocean. I sat on the end and tried to make myself look as small as possible.

I could not NOT stare at this group. So many were really really huge. Some were smaller than me, maybe 5 or 6 of them, but most were bigger. I couldn't get the thought out of my head that, if I didn't do something, I was looking at my future. I knew there was a cost to this diet but I made up my mind then and there that it would have to be a really big number for me to walk out that door and not participate.

The program was covered partially by my medical plan. That was good. There were going to be doctor visits every two weeks which would mean a co-pay (but the visit was covered by my plan). There was a fee to use the facilities and cover the education classes (not covered by the plan but, in hindsight, the real value to the plan was buried in these classes). There was a cost to the food. OK, this had to be the real burden here right? They warned us, this could be expensive. The diet, and I was on something called 'modified fast', consisted of three shakes per day and one very tightly defined meal. The shakes cost $86 for a case of 24 pre-mixed shakes...so about $3.60 per meal. By my count, I would go through 21 of those shakes per week. The cost of the program with the medical coverage would end up being about $800 plus all the co-pays, plus the meal costs. OK, it was somewhat expensive...until I started adding up my food costs. I chalked up the $800 to years of stupid eating and bad decisions. Penalty fee. Believe it or not, if I was 'real' with myself, the cost of the meals would actually be a cost savings! I hadn't built this ocean liner of a frame on Lean Cuisine snacks...I had spent a small fortune destroying my health.

They then discussed the shakes. Perfectly balanced little shakes in Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry. You could get pre-mixed or powder and whip them up yourself. Oh, and they were 160 calories each. Huh? Wait, three shakes a day at 160 a pop comes to...18, carry the one, 480 calories per day??!! What is in the other meal, a Whopper? A Big Mac? The shakes are called Optifast 800. Now I knew why. 800 calories per day.

"Don't worry though, after the first couple of days you won't be hungry", they said.

"And how is that?", I asked. I was looking for some kind of encouragement here.

"Because you will be in starvation mode."

"And that differs from actual starvation, how?"

"Don't worry, we have had tremendous success here and we will explain it all to you, today is simply an orientation."

Ok, I got it, they would take care of me. "So when do we get our shakes?", I asked.

"Oh that won't be for at least three weeks...you have to set up your appointments. Physical exam, exercise screening and psychological evaluation...all that stuff."

Three weeks? Three MORE weeks? Are we actually going to lose weight sometime soon at the Weight Management Program? And a psych eval??!! What the heck was going on here?

I would soon find out.

Next: A Psych Eval...really?