Orientation aka Futurestate

"Good Morning, Miriam Hospital Weight Management Clinic. How may I help you?"

If ever there was a loaded question. How may you help me? If you could SEE me, you wouldn't even ask. "Yes, a friend of mine referred me to your program...I guess you do some kind of orientation...I would like to get in there as soon as I can."

"Ok...the next orientation is in three weeks, do you want me to schedule that one for you?", she said chipperly.

ASAP, kept running through my mind. This was obviously not a sales organization. These guys are not really understanding the whole 'get them while they're hot' concept. "Uh, I was really hoping for something sooner."

"Sorry, there are a lot of people trying to get into this program and there is a big wait."

McDonald's is going to go out of business, I thought. "Fine, let's make the appointment please, thanks."

I don't know about you but when I make up my mind to do something, I really feel the need to do it right now. Not tomorrow. Not three weeks from now...RIGHT NOW. So I waited. I watched Ray in the cafeteria walking around in his new slim body. I can do this just like him. Just not right now, apparently. I was really anxious, this damn program better be good.

The day finally arrived sometime in June and I went after work. The directions were terrible and I ended up in the wrong building. By the time I found the right one, I was 5 minutes late. I knew there was a group of people already in the room and there is nothing I hate more than being the 'interrupter.' I signed in at the desk and went down the hall to the room. The door was closed and I could hear someone talking inside...great, "hey everyone, stop what you are doing! Look at me, I'm fat and need help!"

As I opened the door and walked in, I entered from the front of the room. About 25 people were facing me, and every single one of them heard a loud gasp escape from my mouth. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Whoever set this room up had placed the chairs touching each other side by side. NORMAL chairs mind you for NORMAL sized asses. It had been a pretty hot day and many were in shorts and short sleeve shirts. Here I was, standing there staring at an ocean of flesh. These people were wedged in and flowing all over each other. When one moved, they all moved, like one big wave. Before you think I sound awful cruel, I was about to join the group and become the next wave in the ocean. I sat on the end and tried to make myself look as small as possible.

I could not NOT stare at this group. So many were really really huge. Some were smaller than me, maybe 5 or 6 of them, but most were bigger. I couldn't get the thought out of my head that, if I didn't do something, I was looking at my future. I knew there was a cost to this diet but I made up my mind then and there that it would have to be a really big number for me to walk out that door and not participate.

The program was covered partially by my medical plan. That was good. There were going to be doctor visits every two weeks which would mean a co-pay (but the visit was covered by my plan). There was a fee to use the facilities and cover the education classes (not covered by the plan but, in hindsight, the real value to the plan was buried in these classes). There was a cost to the food. OK, this had to be the real burden here right? They warned us, this could be expensive. The diet, and I was on something called 'modified fast', consisted of three shakes per day and one very tightly defined meal. The shakes cost $86 for a case of 24 pre-mixed shakes...so about $3.60 per meal. By my count, I would go through 21 of those shakes per week. The cost of the program with the medical coverage would end up being about $800 plus all the co-pays, plus the meal costs. OK, it was somewhat expensive...until I started adding up my food costs. I chalked up the $800 to years of stupid eating and bad decisions. Penalty fee. Believe it or not, if I was 'real' with myself, the cost of the meals would actually be a cost savings! I hadn't built this ocean liner of a frame on Lean Cuisine snacks...I had spent a small fortune destroying my health.

They then discussed the shakes. Perfectly balanced little shakes in Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry. You could get pre-mixed or powder and whip them up yourself. Oh, and they were 160 calories each. Huh? Wait, three shakes a day at 160 a pop comes to...18, carry the one, 480 calories per day??!! What is in the other meal, a Whopper? A Big Mac? The shakes are called Optifast 800. Now I knew why. 800 calories per day.

"Don't worry though, after the first couple of days you won't be hungry", they said.

"And how is that?", I asked. I was looking for some kind of encouragement here.

"Because you will be in starvation mode."

"And that differs from actual starvation, how?"

"Don't worry, we have had tremendous success here and we will explain it all to you, today is simply an orientation."

Ok, I got it, they would take care of me. "So when do we get our shakes?", I asked.

"Oh that won't be for at least three weeks...you have to set up your appointments. Physical exam, exercise screening and psychological evaluation...all that stuff."

Three weeks? Three MORE weeks? Are we actually going to lose weight sometime soon at the Weight Management Program? And a psych eval??!! What the heck was going on here?

I would soon find out.

Next: A Psych Eval...really?

Diet, Diet...Gotta Find a Diet

There I was, 285 lbs. I knew what I had to do, right? Gotta find a diet. I couldn't possibly begin to consider losing weight without a diet. No one on God's green earth loses weight without the diet. How much weight did I want to lose? Absolutely no clue. How fast could I lose it? No idea. How fast did I want to lose it...ASAP.

OK. I had at least established a timeline. ASAP. I was brilliant.

First things first. Did I really need a diet? I mean, there are other options right? There is that Gastric bypass surgery that Carnie Wilson (Wilson Phillips, daughter of the Beach Boy?) had. She lost a lot of weight. Even posed for Playboy. Then I saw some more recent photo's...I don't think she will be back for the anniversary issue. How could you possibly put weight on when your stomach has been basically shrunk to the size of an avacado? You must have to eat 24/7 and never move! Well the thought of that method just was plain scary.

Ok, how about liposuction? I knew only one thing about that process, and it had to be true because I saw it on "Nip/Tuck" (the Fox show with the perverted plastic surgery doctors), and that was that it was maybe the grossest thing I had ever seen. A plastic pipe with a point on it and a huge vacuum (it looked like a shop vac for the basement when it floods) at the other end with a retainer that, of course, was see-through so you could see all the fat being sucked up. They jabbed and jabbed the thing into this huge person. Left, right, up, down...jab, jab, jab. I half expected to see a lung get sucked out. How do you NOT damage major organs?

All right, a diet was sounding better with each passing moment. Now the real chore, how to pick the right diet. I should say for the record that I was no stranger to diets.

I did my first diet in 1972 at 10 years old. I was in 5th grade. I was also in very "husky" pants. I remember this because the Wrangler jeans actually said it right on the tag. "Husky 34". They should just have said "Elephant 34", they could have been the very first pair of Grr-animals. The doctor told my mother I needed to go on a diet. He told her all the rules (because diets have rules...strict rules) and gave her the list of foods I could and couldn't eat. My mother was about 35 lbs overweight at the time...I was in great hands. I lost a little weight. I lost a lot of self esteem. I learned some very covert military tactics on how to eat food without being seen.

I did a diet in 1979. At 17 years of age, I was 220 lbs and about 5'10". As a Junior in High School I was not what one would call "Marketable." No social life to speak of. I decided I was not going to spend my Senior year like I spent my Soph and Junior years. In 4 months, I lost 60 lbs and grew 2 inches. My body was probably relieved from the weight loss. From May of '79 to September of '79 I ate one small meal a day and nothing else but fruit and water. I began exercising like a fiend and by the end of summer could run 10 miles at a clip. I weighed 160 lbs. I got contact lenses. My friends didn't know who I was. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. I also got dates. Mission accomplished. But the weight didn't stay off. I hadn't changed my lifestyle, I had just modified it for 4 months.

About 1990, I went on another diet. I was at approximately 255 then and now a fully grown 6 foot tall adult. This time, it was Weight Watchers. My buddy Dan had been going and doing ok. He suggested it and off we went. He told me we would weigh in and not stay for the meetings. "Why?", I asked. Dan is not one for big talk..."it sucks."

"Well why don't we stay, just this once?"

"I have stayed before. You'll see. We can stay."

We weighed in and sat down in a group of about 30. I looked around and counted 4 men. Then it started. Discussion about food. What they loved about food. What they missed about food. What foods they could still eat if they didn't eat other things. Food they could swim in...it was endless. It reached its crescendo when, and this is 100% true, a woman stood up screaming "I can't take this anymore" and bolted out the door and into the parking lot. The last time I saw her, she was moving like a bat out of hell toward the McDonald's on the other side of the parking lot. Dan and I never went back to the meetings. We DID continue to weigh-in weekly. The discipline of weighing (and paying $10 to stand on a scale) kept me in line and I went back to jogging/running. I lost about 45 lbs.

I did a high-protein low carb diet around 2003...I lost about 35 lbs. But I started that diet at about 265 and got to about 230 lbs.

Seeing a pattern here? In May of 2008, I weighed 285 lbs. I was kind of afraid of the next diet. Not because I thought I couldn't lose the weight...because I was afraid that by 2010 I might weigh 330 lbs!!! Hey, I can do math, I understand trends.

So what diet should I pick? Do you know that if you search the web there is a web site that lists a complete list of diets? The complete list...right. There are about 300 diets on this list. If you don't believe me, look for yourself at

Diet List

Are you kidding me? If you ask people where you work if they are on a diet, do you know how many people say 'yes'? Most. And with 300 diets out there, well, I must be one of the few fatties left in the world right? Wrong. Do I have to quote the obesity figures to you? Just go to Walmart and take a look at some of God's beautiful creatures waltzing up and down the aisle. We are having a party folks...at our own expense. Picking the right diet was the key to success here.

So I was in the cafeteria at work and I saw a guy I knew well. About 4 months earlier, he and I had been in a class together and he was in awful shape. Acid Reflux, back issues, Sleep Apnea...wait that was me! Just kidding, it was him and his story was all too familiar. But, he looked like the shell of the person I had seen 4 mths ago.

"What have you been doing, Ray?"

"I am on a medically supervised diet at Miriam Hospital in Providence (Rhode Island), and it's called Optifast." It was the diet Oprah went on years back. He had lost a phenomenal amount of weight very quickly and looked and felt fantastic. "It's not just a diet though Dick, it's an education to change how you think about food and how you live your life." All his symptoms of illness were gone. I needed more information.

I got on the phone and made a call that would change my life.

Next: Orientation!

The Tipping Point

I was looking out this little window watching the highway pass by in the opposite direction. A lot of things went through my mind, occasionally distracted by the siren that kept blaring over and over. "Do you think you have enough life insurance?" "Will this keep me from being able to do my job?" "I wonder if heart surgery will hurt much?" It was almost surreal. I didn't really have a pain in my chest, just discomfort. The real pain in the ass was the dizziness I had felt and the low blood pressure that was causing it. This was going to be a fairly bad day.

They checked me in the hospital for heart issues. They ran my blood gasses looking for signs of a heart attack...nothing. They put me on the EKG monitor...nothing. They gave me intravenous fluids. I filled a urine container. Nothing. Are you kidding me? It HAS to be something.

As the little doctor with the Island accent entered my curtained corner of the ER, he said "do you know what is wrong with you?"

"No, what?", I responded hopefully.

"You are fat."

"Seriously, eight years of grad school and that's the best you can come up with?"

I looked in the mirror. Not exactly the guy that married my wife 20 years ago. 285 lbs and it looked like I was carrying most of it in the form of a child under my man-boobs.

They sent me for a treadmill test to stress my heart. They put dye in me to see if there were clots or clogs. You guessed it...nothing. My regular physician sent me for some tests. The results? Back issues causing shooting nerve pain and acid reflux. These things can cause heart attack symptoms. Awesome. I can breathe again, it's not my heart.

Now you would think that that would have done it right? "Where's the phone number to Jenny Craig?" "Maybe that diet that Dan Marino is on where they ship the food right to your house...yeah that'll do it." Nope. I went right back to the same old habits. The result? I actually took one more ambulance ride...thought it was finally the heart. It wasn't. Surprise! Acid reflux had me sleeping on my side. That was not too tough since my huge beer belly kept me from lying on my stomach anyway. Allergies all of the sudden. Legs swollen below the knees. Back pain.

That should have really got me to do something, right?

Nope.

So there I was, May 2008. The electric breaker switch in the kitchen at the sink had popped and I had to actually replace the entire outlet...it wouldn't reset. So I go out and get the hardware and I am going to install it. Being the natural talent with home fix-it projects that I am, I killed all the power in the house. It was a pretty hot day in the low 80's. If you have ever tried to do this, you know exactly how irritating this can be. It's hard enough getting all the wires to connect right and get the unit back in the wall. The whole time you worry that you will set your house on fire due to your stupidity. But there is an added element of difficulty here...the outlet is under the cupboard, wedged into a tiled wall, and has 4 wires (not 2 like the normal ones). Swell.

So now I am bent and turning to angle myself under the cupboard. I am trying to get the wires straight. I finally accomplished that feat and all I have to do is get the screws to line up and screw it in. Once, twice, three times. I ask the kids to go outside and play because I can't curse in front of them and I am about to become "R" rated. Finally, as I am positioned in the most contorted way, the screw catches, but not smooth. So I am turning this thing and muscling it when a drop of sweat falls from my nose to the counter top. Then another. Then another. A puddle is forming.

That was it. That's right...that was it. The moment. I couldn't believe it. I was sweating while turning a screw. TURNING A SCREW. That was the moment that would put me over the edge and have me vow to make a change that I am still hoping will last the rest of my life.

I am going to take you all on a journey. One that took me from the before picture above to the person I am today.

I hope to inspire you. I hope to entertain you. I hope to educate you.

But I will not, absolutely WILL NOT, baby you about weight loss.

I have found that this goal of finally finding the way to maintain my health and happiness is the most selfish AND self-less thing I have ever done. We start tomorrow.

If you are reading this because you have had the epiphany that you need to lose weight and have some time today, get off your ass and go for a walk. You can make this the first day of the rest of your life.

Next: Finding the Diet!