My First Weigh-In and Class

Finally, after all the weeks of waiting, all the evaluations, and all the parties I had with food because I knew the diet was coming, the day had arrived. I would weigh-in, buy my prepared food, and join my 'modified-fast' group. The group wasn't filled with people who were all starting tonight. It was a revolving group. It was an evolving group. A group of people, some of whom had been there for what seemed like an eternity, and those who had just blasted in and lost the weight and were ready to leave. So I was joining a program...already in progress.

I had been the new kid all my life. This would be no different. My first experience being the new kid was in 6th grade. My catholic school of 5 years had to close and it was merged with a catholic school across town. They took our entire school and stuffed us together with a brand new set of kids. For good measure, they threw all of us in a hat and shook out the names (you would have thought this actually happened) and dropped us in one of two classes. So some of your old friends were with you, some were not. They put me in a seat right behind the girl who is today my wife. The finger of fate had pointed me out and stuck us together. For me, 6th grade would be the first in a long line of changes that would forever have me branded "the new kid."

"Ok class, we are all going to introduce ourselves and I want everyone to tell the class something about yourself." Let's start here. "Hi, I'm Tommy...blah, blah, blah" "Hi, I'm Liz..." "Hi, I'm Dick" Laughter. "What?", the teacher said. I was waiting for this, it always happened. "Dick...that's right, Dick...oldest son of two socially insensitive parents." Yeah baby, it was 1973 and the name Dick was just starting its entree into the English language with a brand new meaning. The dawn of a new era for me, like the age of Aquarius. The last year or two hadn't been easy. 6th grade is when you start to get wise to the social stuff. I had wished at times I could change the stupid name (and later I actually would for 4 years). I was named after my father, who was named after HIS father, who was named after HIS father. I was 4th in a long line of Dicks. The only one who really benefited from this was my younger brother, John, 11 months my junior. Let's face it, brothers don't really get along that well growing up and are always looking for an edge on each other. And if you are a younger brother in 1973 and your older brother is named Dick...well, face it, you just won the brass ring in the carousel of life. So with the blessing of a name like that, you learn how to be the new kid. If you can't laugh at yourself...well, you will be the only one not laughing, so you better just join in.

Before I could join the class, I had to weigh in and get my blood pressure taken. This was a big deal that day. This was the baseline against which all future progress would be measured. This was the data I was here to actually change. I weighed in at 286lbs and my blood pressure was 135 over...something. I never remember the bottom number, even though someone told me once it was the more important of the two. After you weigh in, you stand in line to get your food. They have one desk in one room and a palate of pre-mixed Optifast Shakes in cases. They also have the powdered mix, meal bars and soup (more on these two later). For privacy reasons (??) they make you stand behind a line outside the door and down the hallway a bit. This is to give the weight patients privacy as they buy their items. They then give you your shakes (and we all get the same amount of them because the diet is measured) and they give them to you in big transparent plastic bags. And then you leave and you walk BY the people in the corridor...who silently pretend NOT to see that you have exactly what THEY are about to purchase in your bag. The secrecy was hysterical. Like some perverted "don't ask, don't tell" policy. It would have been awesome if someone would have walked out with their see-through bag and half a bird from KFC with a canister of those big fluffy potatoes on the side (smothered in gravy, of course!).

So now, I finally got the chance to go to my class! I carried in my top secret see-through bag and pretended not to notice the OTHER see-through bags. Hey this was great! There was Ray, my buddy from work who lost all the weight! "How you doin' Ray?", I said excitedly.

"Great, lost about 70 lbs, tonight is my last night!"

The only guy that I knew in the class and he was ready to leave. He was going to the 'maintenance program" where you go when the diet goal is reached. They focus more on learning how to eat and keeping the weight off.

The meeting was run by a behavioral specialist and she had us all introduce ourselves. I have seen this movie before. "Hi, I'm Dick..." Silence. Wow. I guess people actually grow up and out of the whole "his name is Dick, ha ha" thing. It felt like Weight Watchers a little bit without the food talk all the time and, of course, no one ran out the door screaming. It also was roughly the same ratio of men to women as Weight Watchers...about 3 men to about 17 women. I didn't get it. Men don't care if they are fat or not? Women feel forced to bend to the societal underpinnings of needing to be thin to be beautiful? Whatever it was, none of these people seemed engaged. It's like they were dragged here. It bothered me. Because I was totally psych'ed up to be there. Why were they so quiet and down? Maybe because you have to pay a lot to be here and it has depressed them. Maybe they were starving...those little shakes were killng them. Maybe though, it's because they were somewhat unexcitable and boring? Perhaps...you be the judge. I just tell the stories.

Next: Is this a diet contest??